The Perfect Girlfriend
by destinykeyblade
Summary: Sephiroth is boring. Kadaj does not approve. So what does he do? Well, given that all Sephiroth's friends lightened up when they found themselves a girl, the only option is for Kadaj and his other brothers to go out and find the perfect girl for that stuffy eldest sibling of his. And what better way to do that than musically? Inspired by the MLP song The Perfect Stallion. AU


Hello again, peeps! Welcome to the second of my pony-inspired FFVII oneshots! Unlike the last, this one isn't a crack-fic; just (hopefully) some cuteness with the Remnants and their big brother. This started when I was listening to my iPod and skipping through songs while my mind was on Final Fantasy. The MLP song _The Perfect Stallion_ decided to make an appearance, and I literally ran to my computer to type this up. The song can be looked up on YouTube, the MLP Wikia, or - if you think you can handle it - you can just watch the episode it came from, _Hearts And Hooves Day_. I would love to get you into pony! For anyone who's reading my chapter-fic Heart of Wutai: _sorry!_ The next chapter keeps making itself longer, and I'm not finished with it yet :/ So again sorry. I hope to turn this Saturday-update thing into a recurring phenomenon, so maybe you'll have it next weekend. Maybe. No promises. Anyways, please enjoy this little bit of AU randomness! I know I did ;) Oh, and something I forgot to mention: this story gave me an unexpected opportunity to use a currently unnamed OC of mine - if anyone can think of a name for her, I would love to hear your thoughts! At present, I'm all out -.-

**Disclaimer: destinykeyblade does not own FFVII, Sephiroth, his Remnants, or any other characters herein. She also does not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, but she does have the Weird Al episode waiting for her on her grandma's DVR. WHOO! :D**

* * *

"What'cha doin', big brother?" Kadaj asked cheerfully as he popped his head into his eldest sibling's room. As usual, the youngest of the four brothers had determined that the large 'KEEP OUT' sign on the door did not apply to him; rules were obviously for people like Sephiroth and Yazoo, not him. "It's pretty outside!"

Sephiroth, seated at his desk and hard at work on something or other, waited hopefully for the sound of the book he had thrown hitting Kadaj's face. Unsurprisingly, it never came, and he forced back a dismal sigh. Even on the odd days when he _did_ manage to hit him, the boy was never fazed in the slightest and simply skipped into his room anyway, adding his complaints of being too slow to dodge the projectile to the rest of his chatter. The familiar scuffing sounds of Kadaj's shoes against the gray carpet met Sephiroth's ears, and he closed the textbook he had been working out of as he pushed his chair back, letting his head fall into his hand and beginning to massage his temples. Already the headache his little brother seemed to cause with his presence was manifesting itself. "What do you want?" he asked brusquely, not wanting to have Kadaj near him any longer than was necessary. Sephiroth glanced up just in time to catch the seven year-old pouting at him. _Never a good sign,_ he thought to himself despairingly.

Kadaj's expression brightened again almost immediately, and instead of answering, he turned on his heel and skipped over to Sephiroth's window, opening it before the teenager could speak his protests. The warm spring winds instantly soared into the room, fluttering the dark curtains and giving much the same treatment to Sephiroth's lengthy silver hair. He scowled as he attempted to tame the flying strands, intending to snap at Kadaj, but the young boy had taken to hopping in circles around Sephiroth's chair, and without eye contact, yelling at him was worse than useless. "You should get out of your books!" Kadaj exclaimed in answer, bouncing energetically. "It's nice outside, and we should all go out and-"

"No," Sephiroth interrupted, glaring at him. "I'm not going outside."

"But whyyyyyy?" the child whined, miraculously standing still as he did so. Then he was hopping in place at a dizzying speed; Sephiroth wondered how he could see anything at all, much less keep his green eyes centered on Sephiroth's own. "You _never_ come outside with us! Is it 'cause you don't have any friends? Or are you a vampire like Yazoo said when we were little?"

There was a palpable chill emanating from the eldest brother. "I have friends," he hissed terrifyingly, "and no. Now get out of my room."

If there were an award for not listening, Kadaj's room would have been littered with trophies and ribbons. The young boy left off hopping in favor of spinning around, the classic childhood game of 'Tornado.' "But if you have friends and you're not a vampire, then why won't you come out?" he asked, puzzlement clear in his voice. Quite suddenly, he stopped spinning and locked his eyes with Sephiroth's once more... until he staggered and stumbled, dizzy. " 'S'it 'cause all your friends have a girlfriend and you don't?" he asked in the tone of one who has had an epiphany. "It is, isn't it?!" Sephiroth opened his mouth to tell him to get out, but Kadaj was shouting as he again bounced up and down, and no force on Gaia could stop him now. "You're the only one! That's why you don't do anything fun! They didn't either until they met their girlfriends!"

_That's it._ Sephiroth lunged for the child, who let out a blood-curdling shriek and attempted to run, but as his legs were so much shorter than his brother's, only managed a few steps before he was caught. Another scream issued from his mouth as Sephiroth plucked him off the ground by the back of his shirt and proceeded to hurl him into the hallway. Immediately afterwards, he slammed his bedroom door closed and locked it - that would keep him out for a few minutes, anyway - then dashed to the window and did the same, closing it roughly and drawing the curtains shut. A quiet groan left him as he walked to the end of his bed and fell backwards onto it, flopping an arm over his eyes. _Why couldn't she have stopped with three? _he moaned mentally, thinking of his mother._ Or better yet, why couldn't Yazoo have been born second and she stopped there, if I even had to have brothers at all?_ Sephiroth reached behind him and grabbed his pillow, pressing it down over his face. _I should've stayed an only child._

From outside his door, he heard footsteps, and a giggle (obviously Loz) which was overridden by Yazoo's resigned voice. "You're never going to learn, are you?"

* * *

"I'm telling you, that's what's wrong with him!" Kadaj said loudly to his brothers as the three of them walked down the street. He turned around to walk backwards, knowing that they would pull him out of harm's way if he got himself into it.

"Are you sure, Kadaj?" Yazoo asked skeptically, raising an eyebrow. He rolled his eyes at the dirty look he received.

"Of course I am!" Kadaj yelled, whirling back around and very nearly crashing into a telephone pole. He wobbled for a moment as he dodged it, but quickly recovered and proceeded to march down the road. "That's when he got mad at me, so that has to be his problem!"

Loz put his arms behind his head, looking up thoughtfully at the drifting clouds in the cyan sky. "All the other guys _did_ stop being so uptight after they got their girlfriends..." he mused aloud. Yazoo glanced sideways at him, but said nothing, copying his older brother's pose. "But if Sephiroth never leaves the house, how's he supposed to get a girl of his own?" Loz asked, his voice shifting into its usual whiny tone.

Kadaj jumped backward, landing between his brothers and slinging his arms around their shoulders. "We'll find him one!" the youngest boy declared, grinning widely. He spun his siblings about to face the opposite side of the street, where he spied several teenage girls giggling at something on one of their phones. His smile widened as they looked up and directed their laughter and smiles at him. "It can't be _too_ hard," he said, faltering slightly as the gaggle of gigglers moved away. Then he puffed out his little chest, a determined expression on his face. "We can do this!"

Loz cast his gaze around. "Yeah," he agreed, blushing slightly as Tifa and Cloud walked by, the former giving him a little wave. "We'll find him a good one."

Kadaj's smile turned mischievous as he faced his brothers again, and Yazoo buried his face in his hands. "I know that face!" he moaned as Kadaj began to cackle delightedly. "There's a song coming, I know it!" Kadaj hooked his arms through each of his brothers' and pulled them along with him as, true to the nine year-old's prediction, a stream of song issued from his mouth.

_"Sephiroth's the loner kind_

_Not the best brother we could hope for..._

_The perfect girlfriend you and I must find_

_Maybe then he won't be such a bore!"_

Yazoo groaned pitifully as Kadaj hopped down the road, clearly caring nothing for what his voice sounded like. Fortunately for him (and for everyone else in the vicinity), all four of the brothers had at the very least a decent singing voice, the worst of them being Loz and, as usual, the best being Sephiroth. Not that the eldest brother ever made use of his talent. _Kadaj could learn something,_ Yazoo thought, disgruntled. Adding to this feeling was the fact that, for some unfathomable reason, almost every female in the neighborhood was milling about doing something or other - a fact which Kadaj took full advantage of, leaping forward to make a nuisance of himself as he continued to sing.

_"Buuuuut..."_ The youngest paused for dramatic effect, flashing grins at the girls. No doubt he would be something very similar to Sephiroth's tolerated acquaintance Reno when he got older. _"This one's too young, this one's too old!"_ He waltzed around, pointing first at a young girl appearing to be his own age, then at a woman who must have been the girl's mother. A sneeze came from his left, where a blonde teenager was shooting death glares at the flowers lining the path. _"She clearly has a terrible cold!"_

"It's sbring!" she shouted after Kadaj as he snagged his embarrassed brothers and darted off. "I hab allergies!" The trio came to a stop - if it could be called so with Kadaj still skipping in place - before a few of Sephiroth's female friends. Yazoo started as Kadaj dug his elbow into his ribs.

"Sing with me!" he whispered, smiling widely. Yazoo shook his head resolutely, and Kadaj's expression darkened, the first sign he had shown all day that he was, in fact, related to Sephiroth. _"Do it,"_ he hissed, and though he tried to stand firm, the nine year-old was forced to give in. He knew he'd never hear the end of it if he didn't.

With a dismal sigh, Yazoo stepped forward and began to sing half-heartedly, waving his hands in the direction of a madly giggling Yuffie and that auburn-haired girl who had her nose turned up. _"This girl's too silly. She's way too uptight."_

"I'M A GUY, YOU BRATS!" Genesis shrieked, lunging after them; the three quickly made an escape, Loz and Kadaj giggling the whole way. They darted behind a tree, only to find it occupied. Aerith smiled down at them, snickering slightly when Genesis thundered past, magically not having seen the boys.

_"Well nothing's wrong with this one!"_ Kadaj sang, looking up at the pink-clad girl with sparkling eyes. _"She seems alright!"_

Loz elbowed him. "Yeah, her boyfriend sure thinks so," he said, pointing to a rather irritated Zack. Kadaj laughed nervously and once more grabbed his siblings, pulling them away.

_"How 'bout this one?"_ he asked, his gaze on a glamorous-looking girl in a sequin dress.

Yazoo shook his head adamantly. _"She's much too flashy._ Sephiroth doesn't like prissy girls."

_"She might do!"_ Loz exclaimed, pointing at another blonde girl, this one laughing joyfully as she hopped through mud puddles in her yard. She landed in one very close to where Yazoo and Kadaj were standing, throwing muddy water all over the two of them; Loz cringed as they glared at him and sang in unison, _"If she weren't so splashy!"_ After the blonde apologized, they resumed their trek down the street, pointing out the definite no's to one another as they went.

_"Too short,"_ Yazoo declared to a rather midgety teen with blue hair down to the bend of her knees. She'd never be able to reach Sephiroth to kiss him unless she stood on something. The girl pulled her hair around to hide her face at his comment. "Rub it in, why don't you?!" she wailed.

_"Too tall,"_ Kadaj said of a willowy brunette. He quickly found himself on the receiving end of a rather intimidating glare.

_"Too clean!"_ A red-haired girl walked by them, disgust obvious on her face when she saw the mud on their clothes. She, on the other hand, was pristine, not a single speck on her white skirt of blouse.

"Too smelly!" Loz cried, forgetting to sing his thought as they passed an unhappy-looking girl cramming a garbage bag in the dumpster. "Shut up!" she yelled, making the three of them recoil and scurry away.

_"She's strangely obsessed with tubs of jelly..."_ Kadaj sang warily, raising an eyebrow at a strawberry-blonde surrounded by said fruit goop. "Hey!" she protested. "My gramma made this stuff and I'm trying to sell it! So lea'me 'lone!"

Leaving the jelly girl behind, the brothers came upon the group of phone-laugher-atters from earlier - each of them now with a boy on her arm. As one, the three of them slumped and sighed. _"I don't think that we're mistaken,"_ Yazoo sang glumly, kicking at a rock. _"It seems all the good ones're taken..."_

Kadaj shuffled along, disheartened. _"I really feel that at this rate, we'll never find the perfect date."_ Loz and Yazoo joined in for the next bit, sharing the sentiment. _"Don't wanna quit and give up hope!"_

They were walking beside a rather large hedge which obscured their view of most of the house behind it and all of the yard. However, it could not stop noise, and so when a sigh of contentment that had obviously come from a girl's mouth drifted to their ears, Loz, the tallest, scrambled to the top of the hedge and popped his head up to look at her. "Oh, hi!" she said, sounding confused but kind.

"Doing anything special this weekend?" Loz asked without preamble. Yazoo dropped his head into his hands with a quiet moan, proving his own relation to Sephiroth. Kadaj was shaking him excitedly. "She sounds cute!" he whispered loudly as the girl laughed and replied, "This is the weekend!"

"Oh," Loz said, falling silent for a moment. Then, "So are you doing anything special for the rest of the day?"

_"Oh please oh please oh please say-!"_ Kadaj was pleading, hands clasped together and his eyes on the sky.

"Nope!" she exclaimed cheerfully, and Kadaj let out a whoop, startling Loz, who fell on top of him with a loud yelp. Yazoo jumped backwards, out of the way of the disaster, and thus was the first to see the girl come around the corner, hands pressed over her mouth to stifle giggles when she saw the two of them tangled up as though they'd failed a game of Twister. _She IS cute,_ he thought to himself, smiling slightly. Surely Sephiroth would approve, especially if he saw those pretty blue eyes lit up with laughter.

"Are you alright?" she managed to ask as she pulled Kadaj out from under his beast of a brother. Despite only being eleven, Loz's shoulders were almost as wide as Sephiroth's; in a few years, the short haired boy would be massive.

"Yeah," Kadaj answered, shooting Loz a dirty look. Then he sprang up, grinning widely at the blue-eyed girl. "I have a big brother and he needs someone to hang out with!" he said loudly. Yazoo waved his hands wildly - _That's not how you do it!_ he shrieked mentally - but Kadaj paid him no mind, barreling on. "The girls all say he's cute! Wanna meet him?!"

She blinked. She paused. She blinked again. "...Okay?" she said questioningly. Kadaj spun around, laughing gleefully. He seized Yazoo and Loz in a crushing hug that had them both struggling to breathe.

_"We did it, boys_

_We found the one_

_Who will send our brother's heart aflutter!"_

Yazoo facepalmed. "Way to scare her off, Kadaj," he muttered darkly. However, contrary to his expectations, the girl's smile had returned, along with her laughter.

"That's too cute!" she giggled, bending down to ruffle Kadaj's hair. "Sure, I'd love to meet your brother." She strode past them and back towards her house, halting beside the hedge. "Let me put on some longer shorts, though," she said, and disappeared.

"Ha HA!" Kadaj crowed, poking Yazoo's nose and flicking his forehead. "Hear that?" he gloated, sticking his tongue out. "I win!"

Loz raised his hand before speaking, a sure sign that they really _were_ brainwashing him in school like Barrett, the local conspiracy theorist, had tried to convince them all. "So," he started, shifting his weight uncomfortably, "do we take her home with us or bring Sephiroth here?"

Kadaj didn't even deign to answer, simply rolling his eyes exaggeratedly. Yazoo sighed and patted Loz's shoulder. "The whole point of us finding him a girlfriend was because he won't leave the house," he explained slowly. "We have to take her to him."

"Alrighty!" came the girl's voice as she returned, swinging a key ring around her finger. "I'm ready."

"Come on!" Kadaj exclaimed, taking her hand and pulling her down the street towards their house. The girl made a face at him, then pulled her hand away and made a race out of it, which relieved Yazoo. Trailing behind the three of them, Loz having taken off at the prospect of showing off his physical prowess, the most mature of the younger siblings smiled a bit to himself. Cute, check. Fun, check. Not easily scared away, check. She might actually work.

* * *

Sephiroth sighed and stretched his arms behind him, smirking in satisfaction at the lead-covered paper sticking out of the book. He had no doubt he would get a perfect score on the assignment. For a moment, he allowed himself to sit idle, listening to the sounds of the world that came through the window even though it was shut. Then he frowned, hearing the front door open and the all-too-familiar sounds of his younger brothers stumbling through it downstairs. "Great," he mumbled, unlocking his door. "They're back to wreak havoc again." He paused with his hand on the knob. Maybe if he ignored them they'd go away. Then he sighed and stepped out, knowing he had absolutely no chance of that.

"Sephiroth?"

He froze, his eyes instantly drawn to the only splash of color in the living room below. It was _her_. What was _she_ doing here?! Before he could reply, Kadaj cut him off, eyes bugging out of his head. "You already know him?!" he screeched, and at her nod threw himself onto the couch, pouting. Yazoo rolled his eyes, and Loz just looked lost.

"Yep," she said, oblivious to his youngest brother's antics. Her eyes were only for him, a fact that he found disconcerting. "Shoulda known these were _your_ little brothers, Seph," she called up to him, grinning. "Silver hair ought to have given it away."

Sephiroth found his voice, regaining moblity at roughly the same time. "It should have," he agreed, moving to descend the stairs. Her blue gaze followed his every move. He _really_ wished she'd stop.

"But how do you know eachother?!" Kadaj wailed, looking back and forth between them furiously.

"School," they answered as one, which made her smile and made him want to run back up the stairs. "How does anybody know anybody around here?" she went on, smirking slightly as Kadaj flopped face-first into a pillow.

"Ngishsho," he muttered. She raised an eyebrow, glancing at Sephiroth curiously.

" 'I guess so'," he translated, being unfortunately fluent in pillow. She laughed lightly in response, light blue eyes sliding closed. All too soon they were open again, sparkling and fixed on his own.

"Well, come on," she said, reaching for him. He took a step backward unconsciously, and she blushed. "Oh, right. I guess they didn't tell _you_ the plan."

"What plan?" he asked warily, gauging his siblings' responses. There was no change in Kadaj, but Loz was pointedly not meeting his gaze, and Yazoo looked faintly apologetic. "What have they done now?"

A bright, sunny smile was her first answer. He resisted the urge to gulp. _This can't be good._ "Well, apparently, these cute little kids have a problem in the form of an older brother who refuses to get out and enjoy the sunshine. Their solution..." She paused, clearly contemplating how best to word it.

Kadaj popped up suddenly and blurted it out, saving her the trouble. "We found you a girlfriend and you're going on a date with her!" he shouted, then immediately ran to take cover behind Loz and Yazoo. Sephiroth said nothing, secretly in shock, though his face remained impassive.

"...And you agreed to this without even knowing who-?" he attempted to ask, but she cut him off, waving her hand.

"You honestly think I could say no to these sweet little faces?" she demanded good-naturedly, twirling to stand behind his brothers and putting her hands on Loz and Yazoo's shoulders. Kadaj appeared in the middle, grinning triumphantly, though he quickly ducked back down when Sephiroth narrowed his eyes. "They're way too cute to say no to." She winked. "And anyway, it's you, and you really don't ever get out. You need this."

_No, I really don't,_ Sephiroth thought, on the verge of either panicking or being furious. _I don't like people, and you of ALL people should know that._ He opened his mouth to convey, in more polite terms, his thoughts, but she stopped him, taking both his hands in her own. "Come on, we're going out," she decreed, tugging him towards the door. "We'll go get ice cream or a milkshake or something!" At the stony expression on his face, she sighed and dropped her head. "And just to make you happy, we can talk about our boring chemistry project on the way, alright?" She looked up at him through fluttering lashes.

_Definitely panic,_ Sephiroth thought to himself. Against his will, he heard himself sigh - the sigh he always let out when he was finally relenting to whatever stupidity his siblings wanted him to participate in. _What are you doing?!_ he screeched at his body as his mouth made words. "Alright," it said to her resignedly, making her grin. "Let's go."

"Great!" she exclaimed, and danced to the door, holding it open and bowing. "After you!"

Regaining control of himself, Sephiroth held up a finger and turned to his brothers, whose smiles instantly melted away into expressions of terror. "You had best hope Mother is home by the time I get back," he hissed, taking a bit of pleasure in watching them shrink away. "Because if she's not here to save you, all three of you are _DEAD_." He smirked, decidedly pleased by the pure horror and fear on their faces, and raised his voice to be audible as he straightened up and ruffled Kadaj's hair. "I'll see you when I get home," he declared, plastering a fake smile on his face. "Try to stay out of trouble until then."

She was waiting for him with a big, happy smile when he turned around; as he stepped outside, she threaded her arm through his and blew a kiss back at the three little monsters he was supposedly related to. "See ya later, boys!" she called before she shut the door.

Silence reigned in the otherwise empty house for several moments, the trio simply staring at the exit. Then, Yazoo's voice cut through the quiet, as low and dangerous as Sephiroth's. "Kadaj..."

~.~.~

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

"GOOD GRAVY WHAT WAS THAT?!"

Sephiroth couldn't help himself. He burst into laughter at hearing Kadaj's scream and his companion's squeal. _Well,_ he thought, feeling satisfied and not insignificantly happy, _maybe this won't be so bad after all. By the time I get back, they'll have punished themselves for me._

"Don't worry about that," he said, still chuckling slightly. "That's just the sound of revenge."

She blinked, then grinned a bit. "I was wondering what you said to them," she said in an almost teasing tone. "Something about how doomed they are, I suppose?"

Sephiroth nodded. "And now they've turned on eachother, meaning I won't have to discipline them later. They'll do worse to eachother than I ever could."

"You're a horrible man, Sephiroth," she informed him, turning her nose up. "...But I guess I can be convinced otherwise if you buy me an ice cream," she added, snickering.

_This really might not be terrible,_ he thought, amazed. His lab partner was... actually not that bad. "Well, I can't have anyone telling people I'm horrible, so I suppose I'll have to give in to your demands."

She laughed aloud, pulling him closer to her. "Well said! And since I know you don't really wanna be here, I'll get you something too."

"Whoo, Seph!" Zack called suddenly from across the street, giving him a fist pump. Aerith tried to shush him, but when it wasn't possible, settled for casting the two of them apologetic looks. "Nice catch, man!"

Before Sephiroth could tell Zack to keep his mouth shut - his voice would no doubt draw attention, and that was not something Sephiroth was terribly fond of - the object of the taunts struck a pose, running her fingers through her hair. "Aren't I though?" she called back, shaking her hips at him. Aerith's slap reverberated through the air, making Sephiroth cringe. Still, it was Zack's fault for not laughing it off and instead looking at her like he did.

"Oops," came the murmur as Sephiroth nudged its owner to move along. She took hold of his arm again as they resumed their walk. "My bad."

"Zack's always in trouble," Sephiroth said with a shrug, and she smiled at him gratefully.

"Thanks. ...Now come on, I want my sugar rush!" she exclaimed.

"I don't think you need it," he said honestly, but she took it for a joke and stuck her tongue out at him, beginning to skip towards town and pulling him along behind her. He shook his silver head, but followed, the smallest of smiles on his face. _Not so bad,_ he thought again, and started to hope Kadaj would be conscious when he saw him next. _I might actually owe him a thank you._

* * *

And that's all the time I've got for today, folks! Hope you liked, and please review if you've got some time!

~destinykeyblade


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